What a week

This last Monday I went in to the doctor for my 12 week checkup. For some reason I was so nervous about this appointment. Something just didn't feel right, but to be honest,  I have paranoia like this with all my pregnancies at one point or another,  so I try not to take my feelings to seriously since they have never amounted to anything before, other then just a little over worrying. This time was a different story.

The doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat with just the doppler monitor. He wasn't finding anything and proceeded to tell me that wasn't uncommon at this point, but I knew. I could see it in his eyes. He was just as worried as I was. The second he began the ultrasound, the worry in his eyes grew. He began by questioning how I measured at my last appointment and how sure I was that I was this far along. He started to show me how big the baby should be and explained that it was only measuring to 9 weeks. Or course I've seen enough ultrasounds in my past to know what he was telling me before he said it. There was no heartbeat. I couldn't see it, I couldn't hear it, I knew it was gone. I tried and tried to stay composed as the doctor explained over and over again about studies that this was none of my fault, something just wasn't right, it all just seemed to go on forever. I knew I had to get home without falling apart. My girls were there with a cute little girl in our neighborhood watching them, and I couldn't let them see me fall apart. I quickly drove her home, called Jason and lost it.

In all honesty, I was just so confused. Every story I had heard before were stories of cramping and knowing what was happening before a doctor confirmed it. It was the exact opposite for me, my body had shown no signs of anything and that made it all so confusing. I didn't know  how to feel, how to react, I just kind of went a little numb and in shock.

After a lot of talking to Jason and friends who had been through the experience, I made the decision to have a D&C and not wait for my body to decide to let go on it's own. There are so many stories out there of people waiting for weeks, and I knew that that would just be a little bit of torture. Weeks of stressing and overthinking and trying way to hard to hold it together,I knew I couldn't handle it. So 2 days later, it all began. It was all scheduled, the girls were with family. I'd go to the hospital, get put to sleep and it'd all be over with before I knew it. It was an easy procedure and I was sent home soon with warnings that I'd be a little hormonal and crazy for a while. That my body would morn the loss as well.

A day later and I completely understand what they meant. I have never had a heard time after delivering my girls, hormones never got to me much, it all seemed to level out pretty quickly and I was my normal sleep deprived self. Right now is a completely different story. I loose it over nothing and the most frustrating part is, I don't totally understand why. I have no control of my emotions whatsoever. I feel completely lost, confused and broken in my head with  no idea how to sort it all out and get back to normal. I have been fighting and fighting to put up a tough front that everythings fine, but the truth is, I have no idea how I feel about anything because I can't control how I feel. I don't understand any of it and hate feeling so completely out of control. I'm not even sure that I completely comprehend yet all that has happened in the last week, it's almost as if my body and hormones are making me morn a loss that my head and my heart hasn't even begun to understand.

I know soon my hormones will level out and I'll have to come to terms with all of this and I'm not sure what that'll be like. I am so so thankful that I've had to many friends share stories, offer to help, or just offer kind words and thoughts. I am so thankful to have a husband who understand that I am completely out of wack in all sorts of ways right now and does all he can to just be there and understand and let me be selfish for a while. I know time heals all wounds, and soon I'll be back to normal and be able  to come to terms with everything with a sounds mind. For now I am just thankful for the people there to help take care of the things that I can't and allow me to focus on me for a little bit while I try to sort through everything that has happened this past week and be able to move on with the next part of our lives.